Just An Ordinary Girl

Uncontrollably, my tears fell. I could feel my heart shattering into a million pieces just at the very moment when your palm hit hard on my face. Every of your merciless words seems to pierce through my heart like a thousand knives. I guess you will never realize that it was not the pain I felt on my burning face that has made me cried. It was your words that had hurt me the most.

You said that since the day we got married, I had changed from good to the worst. If you have knew that I am such a bad person, you would have abandoned me a long time ago. Well, maybe I had but probably you had changed too. Sometimes I just wish that you could just listen and understand me. But I guess you just get really defensive when I tried to tell you my opinions. Even when the whole world did not understand me, I once firmly believe that you will. However, it seems that I am wrong. It seems that I expected too much.

25 September 2014 became one of the worst day of my life. While in the rain, you dragged me out of the car, asking me to leave. Even when you knew well that I have no where to go or no one to turn to. It was your coldness that broke me down further. I believe I have never expected that there will be a moment in my life where love can actually hurt my heart so badly. I started to recall the days when we were still dating. Those innocence and freedom. I wish I could go back to that time again. Or perhaps, this is my punishment for causing hurt to my parents? I did not know.

You asked me whether I have regretted. This is a question which I have no answer. We have shared lots of happy and blissful moments, but the pain I felt in my heart now confused my mind. I could be too naive to believe that you will be a man who will always be accommodating. Eventually, I guess everyone just get tired. I believe I am not too overboard when I requested you to spend some alone time with me every week and listen closely to my heart.

Gently, you wiped away my tears, feeling sad and remorseful for hitting me. Yet, I could not stop my tears from falling. Every of your touch and kisses made my heart ache even more. A dozen of thoughts flooded through my mind. I felt fear for the first time when I looked at you.

Probably...The hurt which you had caused would never disappear. I did not know whether my broken heart could ever be mended again. Our relationship might not be the same as before again. But I did not blame you because partially, I believe it is my fault as I have accidentally hit you too. Even though I did not mean it, you mistaken my action as a slap. Angrily, you hit back...

Although it hurts, I still love and want you as much. Even when my heart hurts so badly...

Photo Copyright: Elin Chow

"When life gets tough, remember you are tougher."

This is officially my third week at my new job and today is the day I finally received my first pay cheque from my new company. One of the happiest thing happening to me in the month of April.

Then I thought of the past 4 months. I could not remember when was the last time I have felt the same happiness, even when it was pay day. Whenever I thought of this, I feel really glad that I have made the right decision a month ago.

That was to hand in my letter of resignation. It was a tough decision. Between money and happiness, what would you choose? It took me months of struggle and finally, I chose happiness.

I am thankful that luck fell upon me at the moment I decided to resign. To be offered a new job which I am very glad that I accepted. I met a couple of awesome colleagues and a great and understanding boss. I hope this would be the place where I could stay till the day I retire.

I am looking for a perfect life. But I have no idea what is a perfect life. Some people have told me that my life seems to be so prefect. But I do not think so. I am never satisfied with my life or stop pursuing for a better future. Slowing my pace down makes me feel afraid. However, at the same time, I have never truly feel happiness for once.

"Then I realized if I wanted to find happiness, I have to understand that the perfect life does not exist."

Even though slowing down my pace makes me feels afraid, I have been trying to stop 'forcing' things to happen. To lead a simple and contented life. This is my new year resolution for this year.

I slowed down my pace of life and started to notice things which I have all along been left unnoticed by many others.

The electricity transmission towers! Recently, I found myself falling in love with these pylon towers, so much so that I just could not stop taking photos of them.


My life has been extremely monotonous for the past few months. Having relocated to Kuala Lumpur about 6 months ago, my life typically revolves just around home and work. My weekends are rather routine where I usually spend most of the days at home. It's pretty sad sometimes when I looked back at the past 6 months of my life. It seems that I am just wasting my youth away.

So, do I miss Singapore? Yes I did. I miss the weekeds where I get to put on some makeup, dress up and spend the day with my friends or my husband. Since I moved to Kuala Lumpur, I did not really have the chance of putting on any makeup or dress up for a day anymore.

"Travel is the only thing you buy to make you richer."

I have been wanting to explore Kuala Lumpur more. But travelling around has been so inconvenient without a car. I hope I could get my husband to drive me around more when he is finally back from Penang.

Even so, I still managed to catch a glimpse of the iconic KLCC. All thanks to my company where its office is conveniently located near the KLCC. Indeed, it is impressive, but I believe Kuala Lumpur is not just about the KLCC. It is the vibrant culture of the city which I would love to see. Preferably things which I am unable to find in Singapore.

Other than that, I have been wanting to travel to as many countries as possible. It has always been my dream to see more of the world. Travelling is not just about relaxation, but rather a time to broaden your horizons.


"Think of all the beauty still left around you and be happy."

I always love the sunset. The mix of the red, orange and yellow never fails to bring a smile onto my face. These are simple little things that has made my week great. To some people, these may be nothing. But to me, it helped me to find some meaning for my routine life. A meaning that kept me strong and work hard towards my goals.

Even though I understand that the perfect life does not exist, having goals will create a difference in my life.

"I cried because I have no shoes until I saw a man with no feet. Life is full of blessings. But sometimes, we are just blind to see them".

If you start each day with gratitude, you will discover a new meaning to life. When you start to focus on the things which you have been blessed with instead on the things which you are still lacking, your attitude towards life will change. You will start to notice and aporeciate the little things around you and learn to cherish every precious moments. This is where you will feel true happiness and blissful even when life hasn't been really good to you.

I hope it's not too late now for me to truly understand the true blessings of life and also to realize how blissful and blessed my life actually is. All along, I live my life complaining about how bad my life is, but the truth is I am just too blind to see how fortunate and lucky I am. At least I am still alive, living well and not struggling to survive. I live a life of peace and freedom. But most of the time, I took things for granted.


Little but without doubt, one of the amazing little blessing in life. A beautiful morning scenary greeted me while I was on my way to work today. Immediately, without even realizing, I took out my phone to capture this precious moment. This is a moment which I wouldn't have noticed in the past.

Many other people thought I was weird. But I didn't care. They don't even feel that there is anything worth to be photographed. However, to me, such beautiful scene was rare. I believe it's not easy to capture a similar photo again even if you are at a similar spot at a similar time.


"No matter how good or bad life is, wake up each day and be thankful for life. Remember that someone in somewhere might be fighting for survival."

I finally made a tough decision recently. A decision which I have been struggling to make for months. That is to resign from a job I really hated. It was difficult because I would ended up being jobless. It makes me feel like I am a failure. I started looking for a new job before I handed in my resignation. I attended tons of interviews but kept on failing and failing again. A month passed and eventually I got really depressed.

Eventually, it was my husband who have convinced me to leave the company which made me feel really tired and unhappy everyday. He convinced me that the most important thing in life is not about money, but is to able to live each day happily and meaningfully.


"Sometimes you will never know the true value of a moment until it became memories"

Yes, he is right. Money and success should not be everything in life. I have failed to appreciate other things I have in life. I am blessed to marry such a good husband who gave me a warm shelter, food and clothes. Although not as frequent as many others, we also have the luxury to go for overseas vacations every now and then. However, the most important thing is he loves and cares for me more than anything else in the world. His love makes me feels warm and safe all the times. Being able to see him every morning when I wake up is a blessing. He kisses me, cuddles me and hugs me. He helped me to regain my self- confidence and gave me strength. He is the reason I smile and I am his.

But... I regretted that I never learn to cherish those moments and even took them as granted. I only came to appreciate those moments after we got separated due to his work. I could only miss those moments now.

Now I only learn to appreciate. I believe the temporary separation and waiting have enable us to appreciate and cherish each other's presence more. We never quarrel over small issues anymore. It's because we rather spend every of our second together creating fond and wonderful memories than to fight.


"I believe luck will come and find you if you look at the brighter side of life."

And indeed... I have been offered with a new job employment immediately after the week I resigned. Not even expecting one, not even hoping for one. I planned to take a short break and learn to enjoy life. But I accepted the job offer but requested to start a week later. For those of you who have been following me blog, you might have realized that I dedicated more of my time to blogging. A much more meaningful life.

I started work at my new company this week, which made updating less frequent. But still, I will try my best. My new job has been good so far. Probably it's because I have learnt to look at things from a different perspective. I appreciate the opportunity.

A pair of new shoes to start a brand new journey. I never once believe that saying that says, ''A pair of good shoes will take you to a good place." But now, I do and I hope this pair of new shoes will take me off on another wonderful journey.


Witnessing a beautiful sunset scene. I consider this to be another little blessing in life. Now looking back, I think I have a really blessed life. I am surrounded with some many wonderful things, yet I have been unhappy. "Try to slow down your pace and look at your surroundings, you will realize that you have more than what you thought you actually have," someone actually told me this a long time ago. I never get to understand its true meaning then. But now, I could.

Even though I feel sad and lonely without having my husband around, I have learnt to observe and appreciate my surroundings more. Cherish every moment in life.

Photo credit: Koreandrama.org, The Malay Mail Online

I believe everyone has something which you are anxiously or painfully waiting for. No matter how patient you are as a person, I believe there are bound to be times where waiting just seems like forever. You set your mind to eagerly wait for something to happen, but it just never feel like happening. It makes you anxious all the time. You check the clock constantly and was often surprised how little time has only passed.

Why waiting is often associated with torture? It's because you actually expected something to happen. However, the only thing that is lacking is only confirmation from a third party. When the confirmation didn't come within your expected time frame, you worry that things will not come as what you have expected. You started to question, to search for answers and eventually get depressed and demoralised for things not going smoothly. You blame for all the bad lucks.

I am not an exception as well...

To be frank, 2014 has not been so nice to me. Just 3 months into 2014, I lost every confidence I used to have. I doubted myself. I blamed everyone. Neither, 2014 is not a good year for Malaysia too. One incident after another happened without control. We could only waiting for miracles.

#1 : Job interviews

Although I am currently employed, I feel very unhappy with my current employment. Before I invested more time and hardwork into my current employment, I decided to search for better opportunities. But never have I expected I will encounter so much difficulties and unfairness.

I went for several interviews lately and ended with disappointment. For those companies I have not yet heard back from, waiting for an update is just a torture. Much worst, most companies in Asia don't even bother to update their interviewees at all.

I believe everyone has the experience where you went for an interview with xxx company and was asked to wait for further news from the HR. You have briefed about the company and the terms of employment. The interview was enjoyable and you have feeling that the company likes you and you have gotten the job. You waited excitedly for a confirmation call. But you never heard any. As days passes, waiting became agonising and torturing. Why? It's because you have high expectations and that the interviews made you want the job even more desperately.

Everytime after an interview, I have difficulties focusing on any other things. I would keep on checking my phone, making sure that my line connection is working well. More stupidly, I even called myself to make sure my phone rings up. Every email alert I received make my heart beats faster. I fear but still hold on to hope that it will a congratulation email rather than "we regret to inform you that you are not shortlisted. Thus, we wish you the best of luck in your future job search." But I was even more disappointed to find that was not an email from the company.

I have insomnia during days when I have interviews scheduled. I wish I am done with the interviews soon so that I do not have to worry so much. But I worry even more after the end of the interviews. Always, I tried to tell myself not to expect too much. The higher your expectation, the more disappointment you will feel. But it's not easy. I could only patiently and painfully wait for the outcome.

I hate interviews...

#2 : The dry spell


Singapore and Malaysia are hit by a dry spell in the past 3 months. It has been reported that this year is the driest year in history ever. Neither of the countries have seen this coming.

The reserviors started to dry up while the air quality reached an unhealthy level. Once again, we are bothered by the haze problem. Everywhere reeks of burning smell due to forests and vegetation fires. The dry season has gave the Malaysian government no choice but to cut water supply in some of the areas in Malaysia.

Have we ever thought of the day where Malaysia did not have enough water to supply? Nope! Maybe for Singapore but not for Malaysia.

We pray for rain and we could only wait. There are plans to create artificial rain with cloud seeding technology. It did help to create some rainfall that did not last for 5 minutes.

I miss the smell of rain. I miss the raining season.

#3 : Disppearance of MH370


Just when we are hit by the persistant dry spell and trying to look for a solution to it, the news about the sudden disappearance of Malaysian Airlines, MH370 broke out. The news surprised the whole world. Numerous of rumours broke out, all of them trying to guess the reason of the sudden disappearance of the plane. Instantly, Malaysia became the limelight of the world.

Search efforts has been immediately carried out once the news broke out on international news. It has been a week since the plane lost contact from the world. Families of the missing passengers are devastated and some collasped into despair.

The public sent in their prayers, hoping that it will lead MH370 back to us safely soon. The families could not do anything but to wait endlessly for any new update on their loved ones. We are curious about the reason why an entire plane disappeared without any sign. All of us are waiting for an answer.

But to the missing passengers' families, the reason might be not as important. They need an explanation. They are waiting to see their loved ones again, even for one last time.

Although I hope that MH370 will be in a safe place, part of me strongly feel that it will be bad news. There is a possibility of hijacking, disintergration, explosion and many other reasons. I could not imagine how the families of the missing passengers are feeling now. It must feel like world's end for them.

"Cherish every goodbye because that might be the last goodbye". We don't know what will happen next in our life. So cherish the present moment. May the endless wait end soon. Let's pray for MH370.

#4: My husband's return

As mentioned in one of my previous post, I am eagerly waiting for my husband's return. Due to his job requirement, he has been outstation to Penang for half a year. I am counting down every second, every minute, every hour and every day for his return. You might ask why am I so attached and dependent to him? It's because he is the only one I have here. He is the only one who I believe will never betray me and stand on my side.

Recalling the time when we are still dating, I could not even bear to not even see him for a week. Many people say that it's because our love was not strong enough and our hearts were not close together. But we still managed to hold our hands together and promised to walk our life together. His kisses and hugs never fail to calm my distraughted heart. He is my support, emotionally and physically. I miss him so much.

#5: Kdramas online

I am a Kdrama addict. I believe you will understand if you are too. Whenever I started on a new Kdrama, I couldn't stop. But the frustrating thing is having to wait for a new episode with translation to be uploaded online every week. There are times when you have problem viewing the latest episode. There are also times when you realized the uploaded episode do not come with translation in languages which you understand. Whenever at such moment, I believe you will feel immensely annoyed and angry.
So I learnt to only start a drama after it ended and have all the episodes uploaded in working condition. I might be a bit slower to catch the most popular drama at that time, but I hate the idea of waiting even more.

I recently just finished "You who came from the stars" or "Love from the stars". I am late, but not very late. It only took me 3 days to finish the whole drama. But it's great not to wait every week.

#6: The inspiration to write



Writing a new post requires inspiration. Many times I have a topic to write but found the post to short to be published. Therefore, I try to search for more information to include in a post. Just like this post where I just wanted to write briefly on my interviews, complain about the weather or talk about local news and more. However, the ideas are shattered all over like pieces of jigsaw puzzles. Often, I found myself waiting for the pieces to be gathered together to form a complete set.

The wait can be short or long sometimes. I feel anxious while waiting for all the ideas to be gathered. There are times where I have encountered a period of writer block which I have mentioned in my previous post.

So, I try to relax and forget about blogging for a while. I watch drama, play my games and read up on other bloggers' blogs to look for the inspiration to write. It is torturing but as I started to write more, I have gotten quite used to it now.

#7: Urinary and bowel urgency

I believe everyone would have experience a time where you urgency need to go to the washroom but is unable to. I usually experience this while I was travelling on train or bus while on my way to work.

The wait to arrive at my destination always feel horrible at this moment. Neither I could alight the train or bus halfway to go to the washroom. I might be late if I did that. Everytime at this moment, I will secretly pray that the train or bus will move faster. But at the same time, curse for every stop it stopped at.

Final thoughts

So, these are the few things I found waiting to be a torture recently. But not all waiting are painfully. "Good things are worth the wait". I believe most people would have heard this semtence before.

Do you have things which you are eagerly waiting for but never happened? Share with me if you don't mind!

Dear Diary,

It's been 3 weeks since I last saw him. I miss him so much so much...

One month ago, when I first heard that he has finally found a job, I was overjoyed. It's been four months since he went out of employment following our relocation back to K.L. But when terms of the employment was finalized, I nearly cried. The job requires him to go outstation constantly. The first day of his work, he has been immediately outstation to Penang for half a year.

My mind went blank instantly when he discussed this matter with me. I couldn't imagine a day without him. Just 4 months into our marriage and we have to be separated for such a long time. I have no idea how should I react.

I have no time to properly bade him goodbye. But I got angry when he said he was not going to accept the employment. Even so, a majority part of me badly wanted him to stay. I was just being too greedy.

Between money and him, it was such as tough decision for me and him. Many would have said that love should not be measured by money. But the reality made us no choice at all.

The first night after his departure to Penang, I cried real badly. I couldn't sleep well, not having to wake up almost every hour to find him not sleeping beside me. It was the same for the nights that followed by where I often have to cry myself to sleep.

I miss his face, his smile and his smell. I longed for his hugs, touches and kisses. He is always there for me whenever I needed him. He is the only one who I can share my joys and sadness with. He would wake me up every morning and send me to bed with kisses every night. I miss his frequent naggings and even our small fights.

Three weeks ago, he was back for Chinese New year celebrations. But I threw my tantrums on him. I did not mean it. All I wanted is to have his full attention on me. I just hope that we have some alone time together just like the times when we were still dating. Just me and him.

Yet, he did not get angry even when he has a very bad temper. Instead, he tries hard to find ways to make me happy. He is such a caring guy who always have me in his top priority list.

"Please take care of yourself when I am not around dear."

Even before he left for Penang, he is still worrying about me. It was always at such moment when I will realize how much I meant to him. I tried hard to hold back my tears when I sent him off. He hates it when I cry.

Life is tough in K.L without him around. I have learnt how to take public transport to work, manage my finances and to order my food and drinks. He used to be the one doing these for me. I know well that I have to learn be more independent. Yet, I am not willing to. I just love the feeling to be taken care of.

No matter how sad I feel, I have no one to tell. I have no friends here who I can confide to. Even words could not express how much I miss him. I could only cry silently in my bed every night. And no one knows.

I miss the time when we just got married. That was the only time when we could temporary put down our burdens and enjoy our new life together.

I do not ask for more now. All I wanted now is to be able to hear his voice more often. He is even too busy to text me now. I know well that he is working very hard for our future. I feel sad for making him so tired every single day. I could only wait for his texts every night. Even so, he asked me not to wait for him just because he is worried that I might get too tired at work the next day. His thoughtfulness brought me to tears again...

I know that I should not bother him with my complaints and unhappiness at work. But I just wanted to cherish the little time when I get to chat with him every night. To tell him every interesting or horrible things that happened to me that day. I wanted to know how he spent his whole day as well. I miss the times where we could chat endlessly without worries.

He is the man I promised to love forever. I miss him like crazy. Every second, every minute, every hour and every day. He is always in my mind. Although we are only three hours of drive apart, he is still at a place where I couldn't reach him. Never have we been apart for so long. Three weeks feels like months. How will half a year be like?

I just wish he is here to hold me now and tell me "It's okay dear. I am here". I miss him...