Friday, February 28, 2014

I Miss Him...


Dear Diary,

It's been 3 weeks since I last saw him. I miss him so much so much...

One month ago, when I first heard that he has finally found a job, I was overjoyed. It's been four months since he went out of employment following our relocation back to K.L. But when terms of the employment was finalized, I nearly cried. The job requires him to go outstation constantly. The first day of his work, he has been immediately outstation to Penang for half a year.

My mind went blank instantly when he discussed this matter with me. I couldn't imagine a day without him. Just 4 months into our marriage and we have to be separated for such a long time. I have no idea how should I react.

I have no time to properly bade him goodbye. But I got angry when he said he was not going to accept the employment. Even so, a majority part of me badly wanted him to stay. I was just being too greedy.

Between money and him, it was such as tough decision for me and him. Many would have said that love should not be measured by money. But the reality made us no choice at all.

The first night after his departure to Penang, I cried real badly. I couldn't sleep well, not having to wake up almost every hour to find him not sleeping beside me. It was the same for the nights that followed by where I often have to cry myself to sleep.

I miss his face, his smile and his smell. I longed for his hugs, touches and kisses. He is always there for me whenever I needed him. He is the only one who I can share my joys and sadness with. He would wake me up every morning and send me to bed with kisses every night. I miss his frequent naggings and even our small fights.

Three weeks ago, he was back for Chinese New year celebrations. But I threw my tantrums on him. I did not mean it. All I wanted is to have his full attention on me. I just hope that we have some alone time together just like the times when we were still dating. Just me and him.

Yet, he did not get angry even when he has a very bad temper. Instead, he tries hard to find ways to make me happy. He is such a caring guy who always have me in his top priority list.

"Please take care of yourself when I am not around dear."

Even before he left for Penang, he is still worrying about me. It was always at such moment when I will realize how much I meant to him. I tried hard to hold back my tears when I sent him off. He hates it when I cry.

Life is tough in K.L without him around. I have learnt how to take public transport to work, manage my finances and to order my food and drinks. He used to be the one doing these for me. I know well that I have to learn be more independent. Yet, I am not willing to. I just love the feeling to be taken care of.

No matter how sad I feel, I have no one to tell. I have no friends here who I can confide to. Even words could not express how much I miss him. I could only cry silently in my bed every night. And no one knows.

I miss the time when we just got married. That was the only time when we could temporary put down our burdens and enjoy our new life together.

I do not ask for more now. All I wanted now is to be able to hear his voice more often. He is even too busy to text me now. I know well that he is working very hard for our future. I feel sad for making him so tired every single day. I could only wait for his texts every night. Even so, he asked me not to wait for him just because he is worried that I might get too tired at work the next day. His thoughtfulness brought me to tears again...

I know that I should not bother him with my complaints and unhappiness at work. But I just wanted to cherish the little time when I get to chat with him every night. To tell him every interesting or horrible things that happened to me that day. I wanted to know how he spent his whole day as well. I miss the times where we could chat endlessly without worries.

He is the man I promised to love forever. I miss him like crazy. Every second, every minute, every hour and every day. He is always in my mind. Although we are only three hours of drive apart, he is still at a place where I couldn't reach him. Never have we been apart for so long. Three weeks feels like months. How will half a year be like?

I just wish he is here to hold me now and tell me "It's okay dear. I am here". I miss him...

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